Have you ever lost something important that you can never get back? Do you punish yourself relentlessly with thoughts of how you should have or could have altered the past? Are you still wallowing in the pain of it?
I have been grieving a loss this week and it had me grappling with old wounds along with my new ones. Change is hard. Letting go is hard. Moving on can seem incomprehensible, but so necessary for our sanity and survival. We all grieve losses differently. Don’t let anyone dictate how you should or shouldn’t be feeling nor for how long because the answer is different for every person and every circumstance. You have to find a way to walk through the brokenness. I overcome the hard stuff the best way I know how, and right now it is by writing it down and sharing it with you.
In the past, I experienced the loss of two husbands…one death and one divorce. My way to cope back then was to put my head down and go to work. Working gave me distraction and purpose—precisely what I needed in those moments. I made myself far too busy to become a puddle on the floor. I have kept my foot on that gas for many years trying to outrun the shock and sorrow of it all.
This mechanism served me well at the time, I drew strength and perseverance from it. I remained hyper focused on crushing goals and raising a child—to emerge a thriving survivor.
Something has changed in me since I began to take myself seriously as a writer. I realize now that in order to convey accurate information to a reader I have to first let it flow through me. I have to let it touch me. I have to feel it.
All these years have gone by and I may not have truly faced my losses and allowed them to pile up.
Now, this week over the silliest of travesties (too silly to mention), I chose to turn into mighty waves of pain and crippling regret, to allow them to take me under. To deal with all of it head on and let myself feel it all so completely, in a way that I never did before. The damn broke and I cried like I haven’t cried in many years (my eyes rarely ever betray me). Allowing myself to be weak is not one of my strong suits; but I, like a broken bone, will heal and be stronger than I was before…and you can too.
We will all experience losses. The loss of our youth, loved ones, money (and the precious time spent to make it), our health, and our patience with it all.
We can argue, struggle, and fight against the is-ness of the situation, but it will be like wrestling with razor wire. Take a deep breath and put it down. It is often easier said than done, I speak from experience. Take another deep breath and a baby step forward…Let’s heal together, shall we?
